My Boss Dick

Posted on September 10, 2008
Filed Under Chief Health Officer (the CEO)

In life, there is always a prick named Dick.

In my elementary school, kids measured intelligence by math level. For instance, if you were in 5th grade and taking 5th grade math, you were average. If you were the schmuck in the back getting tutored by a 7th grader because you were one year behind, then you were an idiot. If you were in 5th grade and taking 6th grade math, you were smart. Sooner or later, though, you realize that being one year ahead in math isn’t cool anymore because some guys are two years ahead in girls. In other words, you’re screwed.

Those are the smart guys. Those are the guys you saw under the bleachers at the football games ready to have a giant orgy with every cute girl that you ever wanted to ask out. When you came home from class, they were coming home from getting to fourth base with Molly Brown. You listened to their stories and you took notes because you never got the memo.

But sooner or later, those guys mess up. They get married. They make a baby before they’re 22, and they spend their evenings learning how to wipe asses. Meanwhile, you’re drinking champagne at your friend’s bachelor party thinking ‘thank God it’s not me’.

Now, you’re the smart guy. Your buddies come to your house on Sunday’s to watch football. Their wives made the seven-layer dip. You’ve got the pad, the car, and the career. You’ve never wiped an ass. You’re the man.

Two weeks into your new job, you meet your ex-girlfriend’s fiancée, a prick named Dick who invested in fiber optic cable in ’97 and cashed out at the top of the bubble. Dick’s sitting on a pile of cash and attends Hampton’s soiree’s on the weekends where he mingles with half-Brazilian girls that drive Mercedes and don’t seem to have a job. Your ex-girlfriend is suddenly looking stunning, and you’ve got a splitting hangover that reminds you that you’re getting fat. You wonder if there will ever be another dot-com bubble and what your boss will say if you ask him for a raise. In the meantime, Dick has invested in municipal bonds that pay him more in interest than you make in a year.

Dick’s a fucking genius.