The Origins of Dick

Posted on September 23, 2008
Filed Under Chief Health Officer (the CEO)

Wikipedia defines intelligent design as the assertion that “certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process. . .”

On Wall Street, nothing is an undirected process. Everything is by design. In fact, if Wall Street were a business—let’s call it Wall Street, Inc. —then its C.E.O. would be a guy named Dick.

Dick is the unmoved mover , the puppeteer, and the intelligent agent. He’s the guy we despise and the guy we aspire to be. In life, there is always a prick named Dick.

Dick has always been the C.E.O. of Wall Street. If you’re a Wall Street historian, then you may be surprised to learn that Dick is the father of modern finance. If you’re not a Wall Street historian, then I’m going to save you the trouble of reading a history book.

Here’s what you need to know: when Dick created the first investment banker, he saw that the investment banker was good. Since the investment banker was alone, Dick gave him company. Back then, companies were good too . Dick showed the investment banker a tree on which money grew plentiful, and he told him that he was forbidden to pick from it.

Within days, the banker was wearing a Hermes tie and driving a Maserati. The Company wrapped itself in a $10,000 shower curtain . And they both swore they were innocent like a hot date who walks out of the bathroom with toilet paper hanging out of her skirt claiming she just touched up her eyeshadow.

Dick saw that this was good.